Most people (Nigerians especially) believe that their wedding is the last thing they do for their parents, so they just let go and let the planning go in whatever direction the parents want. More often, the end result of this is money spent and two people left with hurting bank accounts to begin their married life with.
By their wedding night, some couples are in debt. This is a very unhealthy way to start your married life. While your wedding is probably one of the most important celebrations of your life, it isn't an event that should leave you perplexed and overwhelmed.
Have you come across wedding photographs where the bride and groom look like they're about to club someone to death? The bride looks angry and upset and the groom just wants to drink his sorrows away. Come wedding night, instead of celebrating and consummating, they toss and turn and wake up to reminders about debts to pay. Don't let yourself fall into that trap.
Before we go on, let's just say that if father and/or mother on both sides or either side decide they would be happy to pay for the wedding, then you don't really have a problem – we're Nigerians; it is an offence to reject gifts from elders.
If you are paying for your wedding, however, then you must learn to look the other way when people come grumbling. They might threaten fire and brimstone but they'll be fine eventually.
Fulfilling all righteousness
It's okay to let your parents have fun with the traditional wedding; that aspect is often a big deal to many people. If you've seen the news recently, you'll see the Bianca Ojukwu and the Ajanakwu widow drama about whether or not the women were properly married to the men traditionally – these things matter if you're marrying into certain families.
Tradition weddings are a big deal in Nigeria, let no one tell you otherwise or you might find yourself in some very unpleasant waters. There are endless lists of items that must be purchased and tasks each party must perform. To some younger persons, especially those directly involved, these practises are outrageous and a pain but they must be fulfilled. There's a bright side to this though; you don't have to repeat these wedding requirements – unless of course you're Bill Gates and will happily take on the provision of items for every kinsman, whether or not they request for anything.
It might be an annoying truth but it is a fact that when you marry a person, you marry their family too, which is why most people are told that if you do not like a person's family, marrying them might not be a good idea. Well, liking them is relative for this purpose. You don't have to like them in the gooey "we are one" sort of way but you have to be able to stand them at least; and they have to be able to stand you too. For everybody's sake though, it's better if you and your spouse's family genuinely like yourselves. Being only tolerant of yourselves will cause more harm than good in the long run unless the families are the type that stay out of your business completely, which is hardly ever the case.
Knowing and accepting customs
Be sure that you at least agree with the customs and traditions of the people. There are some families that have their personal practises that are not exactly practised throughout their locality. For example, the stories of women who find out on their wedding night that they have to sleep with their husband's father first. Such cases are very rare, thankfully, but still scary.
Marian was preparing for her wedding and very excited about it. At some point, she had to tell older relatives who threatened not to attend her wedding for some reason or the other that she was fine with them not coming. According to her, as long as her fiancé and the pastor were there, she was fine. Being a very patient person, it took her weeks of entertaining complaints from different people on both sides to arrive at this conclusion. She says it gave her peace and helped her enjoy her wedding. The person she was getting married to was from the Jalingo in Taraba State, the northern region of Nigeria.
The wedding night came and everyone was excited. She had been previously informed that on her wedding night, she had to sleep in her new home with her friends because it was customary for the bride and groom to sleep separately on their wedding night. The morning after, she was expected to cook a pot of "tuwon massara" (a solid meal made with ground corn) and soup for the groom's family; she and her friends would then sweep the outside of the house and when she was done, and the grooms family was impressed with her work, she would be given some gift or the other to finally welcome her into the family. Marian didn't find out the implications of failing such a task because she was successful but one can only imagine.
It's always better if some middle ground can be reached between the couple and their families. For most traditional weddings, the groom is given a list of things to buy and money to pay as dowry for the bride's hand. The amount paid in cash for this purpose differs from community to community. In some parts of Southern Nigeria, the groom is asked to bring N60,000 in cash; the bride's father then removes N10 from it and returns the rest to the groom. You're probably thinking, how nice of them but the cut-throat lists with requirements that must be met will stop you in your tracks. Wedding lists are common to almost, if not all traditions in Nigeria. The blood and sweat that goes into fulfilling the requirements on these lists are, thankfully, forgotten once everything has been gotten and everyone can (try) to enjoy the wedding ceremony.
Now that all righteousness has been fulfilled for traditional purposes, the preparations for the white wedding commence (if both the traditional and white weddings do not immediately follow themselves. It is possible – and a great idea – to plan for both weddings earlier).
Planning your white wedding
In planning a white wedding, a scale of preference should be drawn up so that you understand what is you can and cannot do without (it is wise to hire a good wedding planner to remove a lot of stress from yourself). If you are planning your wedding yourself and would rather not engage the services of a planner for expense sake, you can still have a beautiful wedding. Just don't try to do everything yourself; ask people you believe are competent to help you put an eye on certain things on that day but make sure that prior to this time, you have covered all needed areas.
Regardless of the type of wedding you want to have, whether big or small, there are things that have to be in place. The things at the top of your list should include the wedding venue, outfits for the event, food and drinks. These are the most important details of any wedding and this is the time when being firm comes into play.
In picking a wedding venue, put into consideration the time and season of the year and the length of your guest list. It is safer to have outdoor weddings when it isn't rainy season – depending on weather forecasts is not always safe because they are wrong sometimes. The size of your wedding venue will also be dependent on the number of people who will attend. The amount of food and drinks you pay for will also depend on the number of people you are inviting.
Have a planned number for your guest list that would not cripple you financially. Let's say you plan for 500 guests and can adequately pay for that. If, for example, parents of either couple have a guest list with more names than they are "entitled to" on your list, it isn't wrong to ask them to contribute the extra cost of catering to the extra people.
Timing is also important in planning a wedding. Don't wait until the eleventh hour to put things into place. Plan early so that you can rest towards the wedding. Avoid stress on as many fronts as you can. Don't book your attires two or three weeks to the wedding. There should be at least four weeks between the time your attires are ready and the wedding date to adequately cover unforeseen mishaps.
Being part of a wedding party is becoming more and more expensive everyday. Ladies, if the wedding party is going to spend so much on outfits, the least you can do for them is provide outfits that they can use afterwards; yes, a wedding party can have glamorous dresses that are still practical. Body types should also be put into consideration; the uniform look would not be so nice if half of the bridesmaids are in dresses that do not fit their body type or dresses they are not comfortable in.
Finally, have a budget and stick to it. Your budget should include cash set aside for miscellaneous items and emergencies. All extra monies should be put in savings and not touched for whatever reason.
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